Conversations With The Dog And Cat

I’ve been house sitting for friends while they’re away on an exotic beach somewhere. The conversations with their dog and cat have been interesting, so I thought I’d share:

On coming through the front door

Dog: Who’s there!? Who’s there!? Who’s there!? Who’s there!? It’s you! It’s you! It’s you! Oh my god I’m so excited! I need to find my toy, I’m hungry, where’s my toy, are we going for a walk, are we going for a walk? I need to pee.

Cat: What’s all this ruckus? Oh, I see you’ve come to visit again good sir. I don’t intend to get up from my spot, so be a good fellow and come over here and pet me. Now.

On watching TV

Dog: I know you’re hot, but I need to spread out on the entire couch with my head in your lap. See, isn’t this comfortable? You moved slightly – are we going for a walk? Are we walking? Are we going outside? I might need to pee.

Cat: The dog is such an inferior creature. I really don’t know why you tolerate him. OH SWEET JESUS MOTHERF****ING BALLS ON FIRE I NEED TO BE IN THE OTHER ROOM RIGHT NOW!!!!!

Dog: Don’t let that cat back on the couch.

Cat: This is my house and I’ll go anywhere I please. Right now I intend to sit in this doorway and quote Shakespeare in my loudest voice. Please enjoy.

On sleeping

Dog: I don’t know why they made my bed round. Hard to find the exact right spot to lay down. Turning, turning, turning… there, dammit, almost had it. Just a few more revolutions… turning, turning, turning, drop now! Nope, not it… turning, turning, turning, oh hell I give up. This spot right here will have to do. Sigh…

Cat: You’re not worthy of receiving a visit from me at this point in the evening. I have other business to attend to.

Dog: There’s something stuck on the roof of my mouth. I’ll just make this really loud slurping noise and see if I can dislodge it.

Cat: I’m enjoying the way the moonlight reflects through… MOTHER OF GOD HOLY HELL THE PAIN IN MY HEAD I NEED TO BE IN THE OTHER ROOM NOW!!!!!!    As I was saying, the moonlight is rather delightful this evening.

Dog: I really want to try a  few more turns and find the exact right spot. Ah heck, my legs are asleep. Oh well. Sigh….

Cat: I’m here now. Unfortunately, your head seems to be in my prefered spot. No problem my good man, I’ll just sit on your head. Be a good fellow and lay still.

Dog: What was that? Did you hear that? Did you hear that? Did you hear that? Let’s go look. I’m going to look. What was I doing? Did you hear that? Oh, you’re getting up? Time for a walk? Is it time to eat? I have to pee.

Cat: Whatever.