The Problem With Mirrors

So, I installed security cameras outside the house the other day. The cameras have revealed two very interesting details. The neighborhood I live in has alleys with our garages in the back. The first detail that shocked me was the amount ofcatfreeway activity that goes on in the alley at night. People walking back and forth, cars driving by. And cats. Oh my god, the cats. My driveway is like a regular cat freeway at night.

I’m not sure what to think about this. On one hand I’m ready to put concertina wire, moats, and laser firing automated robots around the property. On the other hand this has clearly been going on for the last six years and I had no idea. Ignorance is bliss I guess.

The other detail that horrified me was catching sight of myself walking around. For the love ohunchbackf god I’m a hunchbacked, potbellied, splay-footed troll. Why didn’t anyone tell me just how bad my physical condition has gotten? The problem is that when you don’t like what you see, it’s very easy to avoid mirrors. I glance in them just long enough to ensure something awful isn’t hanging out of my nose and that appropriate zippers are zipped. Clearly I haven’t been gazing into the mirror much the last few years.

Nothing like a dose of reality to force resolutions to happen. Eating clean starts right now. Ok maybe not now, it is super bowl weekend. Monday. Monday for sure. For the perimeter defenses, I’m not sure what to do yet. I’m thinking motion triggered tear gas rounds and blaring Justin Bieber music. Ok, maybe not the last part. A judge may find that too harsh.

Oh, and if you see me hunching over please tell me to stand up straight.



Conversations With The Dog And Cat

I’ve been house sitting for friends while they’re away on an exotic beach somewhere. The conversations with their dog and cat have been interesting, so I thought I’d share:

On coming through the front door

Dog: Who’s there!? Who’s there!? Who’s there!? Who’s there!? It’s you! It’s you! It’s you! Oh my god I’m so excited! I need to find my toy, I’m hungry, where’s my toy, are we going for a walk, are we going for a walk? I need to pee.

Cat: What’s all this ruckus? Oh, I see you’ve come to visit again good sir. I don’t intend to get up from my spot, so be a good fellow and come over here and pet me. Now.

On watching TV

Dog: I know you’re hot, but I need to spread out on the entire couch with my head in your lap. See, isn’t this comfortable? You moved slightly – are we going for a walk? Are we walking? Are we going outside? I might need to pee.

Cat: The dog is such an inferior creature. I really don’t know why you tolerate him. OH SWEET JESUS MOTHERF****ING BALLS ON FIRE I NEED TO BE IN THE OTHER ROOM RIGHT NOW!!!!!

Dog: Don’t let that cat back on the couch.

Cat: This is my house and I’ll go anywhere I please. Right now I intend to sit in this doorway and quote Shakespeare in my loudest voice. Please enjoy.

On sleeping

Dog: I don’t know why they made my bed round. Hard to find the exact right spot to lay down. Turning, turning, turning… there, dammit, almost had it. Just a few more revolutions… turning, turning, turning, drop now! Nope, not it… turning, turning, turning, oh hell I give up. This spot right here will have to do. Sigh…

Cat: You’re not worthy of receiving a visit from me at this point in the evening. I have other business to attend to.

Dog: There’s something stuck on the roof of my mouth. I’ll just make this really loud slurping noise and see if I can dislodge it.

Cat: I’m enjoying the way the moonlight reflects through… MOTHER OF GOD HOLY HELL THE PAIN IN MY HEAD I NEED TO BE IN THE OTHER ROOM NOW!!!!!!    As I was saying, the moonlight is rather delightful this evening.

Dog: I really want to try a  few more turns and find the exact right spot. Ah heck, my legs are asleep. Oh well. Sigh….

Cat: I’m here now. Unfortunately, your head seems to be in my prefered spot. No problem my good man, I’ll just sit on your head. Be a good fellow and lay still.

Dog: What was that? Did you hear that? Did you hear that? Did you hear that? Let’s go look. I’m going to look. What was I doing? Did you hear that? Oh, you’re getting up? Time for a walk? Is it time to eat? I have to pee.

Cat: Whatever.