Last night there was a political debate. The two presidential candidates gave a performance the likes of Webster, Lincoln, or Buckley would be proud of. In the off chance you were otherwise occupied scraping lint out of the dryer screen, I thought I’d summarize the points made by the candidates for you.
- I’d like to thank the viewers, the moderator, a god that’s non-offensive and inclusive of everyone, my opponent, the people of this great city, my wife, my family, veterans, heroes, and this great country for giving me the opportunity to be here tonight.
- I will invest (spend) in one million new TV weathermen, ah I mean weatherpeople. I said forecasters, check the transcript. I will invest (spend) on 21st century skills. I will invest (spend) on our crumbling infrastructure – roads, bridges, robotic squirrels, Moroccan pottery classes, and the 2013 Alabama Watermelon Queen tour. It is simply un-American to allow a watermelon queen and the fine watermelons of Alabama to wither on the vine.
- My AMERICAN flag lapel pin is bigger than yours, bitch.
- I promise to provide new iPhones to everyone in the country. It is unacceptable that in the greatest country on earth there are people walking around, hard-working AMERICANS, who can’t play Angry Birds through no fault of their own. My opponent is happy with half this country using phones that only make phone calls. I’m sorry, I have a higher standard than that.
- My opponent grinds up kittens and drinks them as smoothies every morning. I’ve proposed legislation banning this despicable practice.
- When I’m president I’ll create one trillion jobs; good paying jobs; the best jobs; you’ll want to quit your job to get one of these jobs they’ll be so good; they’ll be AMERICAN jobs; jobs of the future; high-tech jobs; jobs for heroes; jobs you can raise a family on; jobs you can take trips to Disneyland on and pose with motherf***ing Mickey Mouse and that creepy duck with no pants.
- First off, I’d like to thank and honor the men and women who serve – they’re heroes… but there are other heroes. The gargbagemen, the gal who makes my yummy pumpkin latte at Starbucks, the kid who retrieves shopping carts at the grocery store, the faceless folks who man the phone banks at my campaign headquarters preparing robo-calls – all heroes. But you know who else is a hero? A gal I met just the other day from Tulsa Oklahoma. An ordanry AMERICAN. She has six kids and holds down three jobs. She has only one leg due to a horrible meat grinder accident. Her husband is on disability and the bank is foreclosing on their double-wide. But you know what struck me? She’s not complaining. She’s not looking for a handout. She just wants a fair shot. She’s the true hero. I don’t think that in this great country of ours it’s too much to ask that she has an iPhone. My opponent thinks otherwise.
- My plan? Let me tell you about my plan. My opponent has a seven point plan. I have a twenty point plan. An AMERICAN plan that puts AMERICA first. I have thirteen more points in my plan than my opponent. Everyone on the internet has agreed that my opponents plan isn’t even a plan. It’s not even a suggestion of a plan. His plan is so bad you look up bad plan in the dictionary and there it is. Every economist on the planet agrees that my plan is the best. I’m sorry, but I find it offensive that my opponent bad mouths my plan when the facts clearly lay out the brilliance of my plan.
- In closing, I’d like to thank the academy, this university, the people of the planet, the people in this hemisphere and the great AMERICAN Americans of this great country. Vote for me. I will cure cancer and put cute puppies on every doorstep. Thank you and GOD BLESS THIS GREAT UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!!! Unless you’re offended by that, in which case I apologize, I don’t want to offend anyone – the focus groups told me to say that.
And there you have it – a clear choice. If this doesn’t convince you that the other guy is a devil worshiping, America hating, hater, who drips hot wax on babies to make them squeal… then perhaps you haven’t been listening. Don’t despair – there’s 32,413 more political ads to watch in the next few weeks to help you make your decision.